


Holding Out for You

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Arranged Marriage, M/M, Soulmate AU, Wing Hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 01:32:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16052684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: All his life, Sam had wondered about angels, hoped they were real.  Meeting one... well.  It could have gone worse, but it could have gone a whole lot better, as well.  Castiel hated him.  Castiel could barely stand to be in the same room as him.Except that Dean swears there's something else going on, something he won't tell Sam about.





	Holding Out for You

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Rodi's Birthday Prompt Bash](https://rodiniaorzetalthepenquin.tumblr.com/post/178167945471/fanfiction-trope-mash-up)
> 
> Soulmate AU + Accidentally Married

When Dean called, Castiel responded quickly. That was his job. He was very curious about what Dean could possibly want, because the last time they’d spoken, Dean had made it abundantly clear he thought angels were dicks. Perhaps he saw Castiel as an exception, perhaps not. Either way, for Dean to call seemed to indicate that this was very important to the hunter. As Castiel landed, he was both relieved and disappointed to learn that Sam was nowhere around. Dean jumped as Castiel made his presence known with a greeting. “Hello, Dean.”

“Cas, you…” Dean glared at him. “Stop doing that!”

Castiel didn’t react. “You called me. I assumed you would be expecting my arrival. What do you want?”

“The hell’s going on with you and Sammy?” Dean asked, and Castiel did his best to hide the reaction. “He said you came by to talk to him about him using his powers, and to encourage him to talk to me.”

“As I came to you to discuss your test and to encourage you to talk to Sam,” Castiel said. If Dean was going to throw a fit every time Castiel spoke to Sam, this was going to be a very challenging assignment. “What of it? I assure you, if I was a ‘dick’ to Sam again, it was unintentional and I am very sorry.” He couldn’t think of anything he’d said that would have insulted Sam, but he hadn’t intended his words to offend Sam the first time they’d spoken, either. So perhaps he had done something inadvertently rude this time as well.

Dean sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Look, I know the demon blood thing bugs you, but he didn’t ask for it and if you want me to work for you, then you need to suck it up and figure out a way to work with him without acting like you’re a breath away from flying out on him.”

“I had no intention of flying out on him until we were finished, nor any desire to leave without concluding our conversation,” Castiel said. “Although encouraging him to talk to you was not part of my original intent. It occurred to me as I was leaving, so I turned around to include it.”

“Can you think of any reason Sam might think that?” Dean asked.

“Leaving and reappearing the way I did may have guided his thoughts that way,” Castiel said thoughtfully. “I would assume he noticed that I was struggling to control my wings, so now that I can think clearly, I can see how he would put the two together to conclude that I was forcing myself not to leave him. From his perspective, that is the logical conclusion.” Castiel turned away from Dean, wondering how to make this one right. “And we’d already gotten off to a bad start thanks to my ill-chosen words and hesitation to take his hand. This is going to be incredibly difficult.”

“Yeah, what was that about, anyway?” Dean asked.

Castiel tried to work out how to explain. “I had a… a sense of foreboding. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I was right. Taking his hand has forever changed my life. Part of me wishes I hadn’t, but it would have happened eventually. I couldn’t have avoided contact forever, and even if I could, eventually proximity would have been enough.”

Dean, for once, was the one staring at Cas in complete confusion. “Okay. You realize I have no idea what you’re talking about, right?”

“I am aware.”

“So… what happened? Is this a demon blood thing?” Dean asked.

“No. This has absolutely nothing to do with the demon blood – if anything, the demon blood should have prevented this from happening. Even without it…” Castiel suppressed a shudder as he thought of home. “I haven’t reported back yet, but Uriel has, and if he’s reported the situation as I’m sure he has, I would imagine there’s quite the scandal in Heaven. I know for a fact that the last time anything remotely like this happened was over four thousand years ago. Even before that, I’m perhaps the tenth or eleventh angel this has happened to. The first to resist, to hold out against this.”

Dean folded his arms, unimpressed. “The demon blood why you’re holding out?”

“No! I don’t care about the demon blood!” Castiel snapped. He forced himself back under control. “I told you, the demon blood has nothing to do with this. I’m holding out because Sam’s human.”

“Oh, so you got something against humans now,” Dean said.

The irritation flared right back up. “Once again, _no_. I love humanity. This happening to me with a human is, in retrospect, the most obvious thing. We should have expected it. Honestly, the only surprise is that it wasn’t you.”

“If it had been me, would you still be holding out?” Dean asked.

“Of course. I would have held out because of my respect for you, as I’m holding out now out of respect for Sam,” Castiel said.

Dean let his arms drop back to his sides. “You do realize that, at some point, you’re gonna have to tell me what’s going on.”

“Unfortunately. You’ll hate this almost as much as I do, maybe even more. And maybe you’ll hate me as well.”

“Why?”

“Because you love Sam,” Castiel said. “I promise you, this was not my choice.”

“Is there some way we can work around this?” Dean asked.

Castiel turned back to face Dean. “Only one. I would rather deal with my situation than take it, though. It may not even be possible while I have this assignment. I could never come near Sam again.” Just saying it was enough to make Cas’s wings clench up. It was no solution.

Dean huffed. “Not seeing how that solves anything.”

“It doesn’t solve the problem of finding a way to work with Sam,” Castiel acknowledged. “It does, however, mean that Sam is safe from me if I lose control. If I’m never near him, my wings can’t do what they’re screaming to.”

“What happens if you do?” Dean asked.

Castiel once again tried to figure out the words. “Sam becomes irrevocably bound to something he’s probably never imagined was a possibility for his life and doesn’t want, and probably wouldn’t want if he did think it was possible. If I could free him, I’d talk to him about letting me do this so the problem goes away, with the promise that I would release him as soon as I could. But even death wouldn’t free him, he would just come to me in Heaven.”

“Not that I wanna think about it but… what happens if he goes to Hell?” Dean asked.

Castiel managed a weak laugh. “I have no idea. About the only way that could be possible is if he somehow jumped in himself. If that happens… I imagine that in the end, I would eventually join him there.”

“You know… if Sam knew that, he might agree to whatever this is just for that. Ever since I told him what Yellow Eyes did to him, he’s been freaked out about salvation, and he looked to the angels for hope.”

“And then he met us,” Castiel said. “It still seems a terrible cost. He’s a good man, he has a strong chance at salvation without my intervention. Last time he died, his soul was ours.”

“So you really don’t think he’d want this if he knew what it was?”

Castiel shook his head. “Certainly not now. Hopefully in time, he could come to want it, but I would prefer to earn it rather than tricking or forcing him.”

“Fair enough. Will time help make things easier for you?”

“I don’t know!” Castiel turned toward the window, looking to Heaven. He needed to get the frustration under control. This wasn’t Dean’s fault. “I told you. No angel has ever held out. I don’t know what will happen. The more practice I get, the better I’ll be at resisting. But the better I get to know Sam, the more I’ll actually want this myself.”

“You want this?”

“That’s…” Castiel sighed. “It’s complicated. If it were only about me, or if Sam were an angel, it would never even occur to me to resist or to ask if I want it or not. This is as much a part of who I am as my ability to fly. Has it ever occurred to you to wonder if you actually want to digest food?” Dean looked a bit nonplussed at that. “This is as much a part of Sam as it is me, but Sam has free will. He can choose to reject this part of himself as much as he’s chosen to reject the demon blood. He’s human. He has a choice, and I don’t want to take that from him, no matter what I want for myself.”

Dean moved to get back in Castiel’s eyeline. “Okay, I think I’ve been more than patient here. You gotta tell me what’s going on, Cas.”

“Angels have bondmates. Another angel, at least usually, who is meant to be everything to us. There are a handful of cases where the bondmate was human. Including, apparently, mine. The only human institution comparable is marriage, but even that’s not perfect. Marriage can end with divorce or death, since they usually end up in separate afterlives. An angel’s bond can only end with oblivion.”

For a long while, Dean was speechless. A small part of Castiel enjoyed the moment. Finally, though, he said, “You’re supposed to be Sammy’s soulmate?”

“No, that’s you,” Castiel said. “I don’t…”

“Wait, what?” Dean interrupted.

“You and Sam are soulmates. The bond you formed by carrying him out of the fire is so strong that separation is literally soul-torture for you both. Most people get their own Heaven, built from their own memories and desires. You and Sam are an exception. You’ll share yours… which should be interesting. I don’t have a soul, so I can’t be someone’s soulmate.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Not the point. So you’re in love with my little brother.”

“I barely know Sam,” Castiel protested. “It’s far more accurate to say that I will be in love with your little brother.”

Dean waved away the distinction. “At which point, you’ll actually want to bond with him, it won’t just be instinct. So even with the practice it’ll be just as hard not to.”

“Exactly,” Castiel said. “Dean, if you can come up with a way for me to deal with this short of abandoning my job, please tell me, because this will be very difficult for me. I’d like to think I can maintain control, but… Sam’s the one who suffers the consequences if I slip, even once, even for just a moment.”

Dean let out a heavy sigh. “I know. I got nothin’.”

“Me either,” Cas said. “Dean, you can’t tell Sam about this.”

“Yeah, no, not telling Sammy he’s part of some… divinely arranged marriage. Not when I don’t even really know what I’m talking about. I’ll figure out some way to tell him enough to where he gets that it ain’t that you hate him. Somehow.”

A humming sensation came over Castiel’s wings, and for just a minute he reveled in it. Then he realized what it was. “Sam’s coming. I should go.”

“Wait, stay for a sec, say hello. Then I’ll set you up to take off so Sam knows you stayed to see him,” Dean offered. Cas nodded. Dean’s advice was sound.

Sam came in, dropping a jacket over a chair. “I’m back… oh! Hi, Castiel. Sorry for…”

“Hello, Sam.” Castiel didn’t feel bad about interrupting whatever the unnecessary apology was intended for. It gave him an idea, though, and he held out his hand, though it shook just a little from the effort Castiel was putting into keeping his wings tightly bound against his back.

Sam took the offered hand with a raised eyebrow, accepting the handshake. “What’s this for?”

“An attempt to apologize for not doing it right the first time. Please forgive me; I had no intention of insulting or hurting you then.”

“You… okay. Apology accepted.” Sam still looked a bit confused as he dropped his hand back to his side. “Sorry for interrupting, you and Dean do whatever you were…”

“Actually, Cas was just about to take off when he heard you coming,” Dean said.

Sam rolled his eyes. “Dean, you don’t have to try to…”

“Dean did suggest I stay, but I chose to,” Castiel said. “Neither of us is trying to trick you into anything.”

“And the apology was all him, I wasn’t expecting that,” Dean added.

“But now, I really should go,” Castiel said as he very carefully unfurled his wings and flew away.

 

When the air had stilled, Sam turned to Dean. “I’m serious, Dean. You don’t have to try to convince me he doesn’t hate me, I can work with him if he can work with me.”

“And I’m serious, too. He doesn’t hate you,” Dean said.

Sam rolled his eyes again and gestured to where the angel had just been. “Come on, you saw what he was like! It was even worse last time, guess you being here helps.”

Dean sighed and scrubbed his face. “Sit down.” Once Sam was settled on the edge of one of the beds, Dean took a seat on the opposite bed facing him. “I called Cas down to talk, see what needed to happen for him to be able to work with you. He didn’t realize you’d picked up on the way he was fighting himself.”

Sam scoffed. “How could I miss it?”

“He was so focused on controlling himself he didn’t realize just how visible it was,” Dean explained, and Sam shook his head. “Look, Sammy… do you trust me?”

Even with the secrets between them right now, what the hell kind of question was that? “Yes, of course. Why do you ask?”

“Cas explained everything to me. Sort of. Enough, anyway. But he also said that it’s really best for everyone involved if you don’t know the whole story, and I agree.”

“What…” Sam stared at Dean. What in the world could be going on? “How is that best for anyone? You know how curious I am, about everything, how is it better to leave me in the dark?”

“Cas is trapped in a crap situation, angel thing. It’d actually be easier on him if he hated you, hard as that is to believe, it’s true.” That was pretty hard to believe, all right. “The last thing he wants is to trap you in it with him, but when he’s with you, every instinct he has is to drag you in.”

“And you know what the situation is,” Sam said.

Dean nodded. “And I sure as hell don’t want you dragged in either. If you knew, Cas would never be able to believe that if you do end up choosing this, it’s because it’s what you want, not you doing the Winchester sacrifice thing or following some sort of misplaced guilt.”

“Slight problem in the logic there… I can’t choose something I don’t understand,” Sam pointed out.

“Yeah, I know,” Dean said. “I’m sure when the time comes, he’ll tell you. Just, for now, you’ll have to trust me. Cas doesn’t hate you, he’s willing to work with you, and if things get too awkward he’ll bail before he traps you.”

 

Over the next few months, Sam came to believe that Cas didn’t hate him. It wasn’t hard, since it seemed like Cas was going out of his way to find excuses to be around Sam. And God help him, Sam was starting to fall for the angel.

“Sammy? You okay there?” Dean asked. Cas had just left after debriefing them from saving a seal. Apparently Sam had spaced out a little.

He straightened up from the wall he’d been leaning on. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just an idiot, nothing to worry about.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Why are you an idiot this time? It’s thanks to that overpowered brain of yours we saved this one.”

“That’s research,” Sam said. “This is… well, the less you know, the less you can tease me about, so I’m not answering that.”

“Oh. So it’s Cas,” Dean said with a bit of a smirk.

Sam decided he could use the wall’s support a little longer after all and sagged back against it. “Am I that obvious?”

“Only to me,” Dean said. “Crush, or something serious?”

“If it were only a crush, I wouldn’t call myself an idiot,” Sam said. No sense in hiding now.

“You’re not an idiot,” Dean said. “Cas is a good guy, if you like nerds.”

Sam stared at Dean. “You’re… encouraging this? Why?”

“You kidding me?” Dean said, breaking out a shit-eating grin. “Think of all the jokes about you getting touched by an angel I’d get to make!”

Sam scooped a pillow off the bed and flung it at Dean. Dean, naturally, caught it and managed to send it right back. “Given how much he struggles with being in the same room as me, I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t be just a whole lot of touching going on.”

Dean sobered at that. “Good point. Still, considering your last few girlfriends…”

Sam huffed in amusement. “At least I can’t kill him?”

“Something like that,” Dean said.

 

It was a month later. Nothing much had changed. Sam was taking a quiet night while Dean went out to a bar. The flutter of wings got Sam’s attention, but the voice stopped him cold. “Sam Winchester.”

“Uriel?” Sam set the laptop aside and got to his feet. He’d gotten used to Castiel, but the couple of times he’d dealt with Uriel, the bigger angel had always managed to intimidate him. “What are you doing here? Where’s Cas?”

“Heaven sent me with a message and to investigate a mystery. I’m to warn you about a demon you’ve angered who is tracking you to do you harm. She’s currently going by the name ‘Meg’,” Uriel said.

“I know her. She possessed me once. Is she an actual threat to us right now, or is she still in the plotting stage, figuring out her move?” Meg, he could deal with.

“Planning,” Uriel said. “But Heaven wanted you warned.”

“Okay. Consider me warned, and I’ll pass it along to Dean. I take it the mystery is why you’re here with the warning instead of Cas?” Sam said.

“Indeed.” Uriel sneered a little. “Heaven wants to understand why Castiel hasn’t bonded you yet. I don’t see the mystery here. The obvious explanation is the demon blood.”

Sam wasn’t surprised that Uriel would bring up the blood. He always found a way to work it in. But other than that, Uriel’s mystery didn’t make any sense to him. “Bonded me? What?”

Uriel actually looked surprised. Of course, he still managed to be condescending. “Surely he’s told you that you’re his bondmate. The great love of his life, the being that completes him?”

Sam was now convinced that Uriel was messing with him, that somehow Uriel had worked out Sam’s feelings for Castiel and was setting up a prank. Castiel kept claiming Uriel was the funniest angel in the garrison, so a practical joke likely wouldn’t be out of character. “He hasn’t said anything like that, no.”

“How odd,” Uriel said. “Any other angel would have bonded you the second they realized, and believe me, Castiel is well aware. I was there when it happened.”

“Well, Cas hasn’t, no idea why, you’ll have to ask him directly,” Sam said. “Honestly, I’m about ninety percent sure you’re full of crap, so don’t expect answers from me.”

Uriel gave him a pitying look. “I can’t imagine you haven’t noticed his distraction around you. He’s fighting to keep his wings to himself, although why, no one knows. Not even God could understand that angel. Believe me or don’t, it’s up to you. I was simply told to investigate why he was fighting it. He can’t keep it up forever.”

 

When Dean came back, Sam was on the phone. “I gotta go, Bobby. Thanks again for looking into this.” He hung up and sat on the bed, motioning for Dean to sit opposite him. “Dean? Is Cas in love with me?”

Dean gave him a weird look as he settled onto the bed. “Okay, what brings that on? And shouldn’t you be askin’ Cas that, not me?”

“I know, it’s just…” Sam paused briefly. “You know what’s going on with him, and you’re not going to lose control and bond me, whatever the hell that means, if I hit you with a shock.”

Dean sat forward, all seriousness now as he read Sam’s eyes. “Haven’t asked him lately, but it wouldn’t surprise me. What happened? Cas say something to you?”

“Uriel, actually,” Sam said, and he smiled at the eyeroll. “He was sent to warn us that Meg’s back and is planning to move against us, although she doesn’t actually have a plan set up yet. And they sent him instead of Cas so that he could ask why Cas hadn’t bonded me yet. Heaven figured I’d know about it.”

Dean shook his head. “Figures it’d be Junkless. You okay?”

Million-dollar question, right there. Sam couldn’t answer that. “So it’s true, then. Not Uriel making stuff up to get under my skin. I’m Castiel’s bondmate.”

“Well, you’re not his bondmate unless he bonds you,” Dean said. “It’s basically angel marriage, only about a million times more serious business. He’s not gonna do that to you, not unless you say he can or something happens and he completely loses control of himself.”

“Which is why it was for the best that I know nothing about it,” Sam said. “Have to admit I see his point there, now, although mine’s still valid too.” He stood up and paced for a bit before coming to a decision. He put his hands together. “Castiel? It’s Sam. I need to talk to you.”

Cas arrived quickly. “Hello, Sam. What’s on your mind?”

Sam hadn’t actually thought this far ahead, and wasn’t quite sure how to start. “Okay, um… stay calm, all right? Uriel came to talk to me.”

“What did Uriel want?” Cas’s voice stayed calm, but Sam could see the slight increase in the tremble in Castiel’s shoulders. He backed away. Castiel would much more easily forgive the apparent rudeness than the risk of letting Cas go too far. “Sam?”

Once Sam felt he was far enough away, he answered. “Uriel wanted to know why you were fighting this, why you don’t just bond me and get it over with.”

He could actually feel the wind as Castiel momentarily lost control and let his wings sweep forward toward Sam. He’d judged the distance right, though, and Castiel was able to pull back before his wings reached Sam. “I see. When was this?”

“Couple hours ago,” Sam said. “I wanted to talk to Dean first, confirm that Uriel wasn’t lying or whatever before I talked to you. Something’s going on with you, and whatever it is, hitting you with something like this seemed like a really bad idea unless it was something worth talking about.”

“I appreciate that,” Castiel said. “You were warned. Even so, I nearly…”

“Yeah, wouldn’t want that,” Sam said. “Not like this.”

“Exactly,” Castiel said. “I don’t want to trap you.”

“I know. If you were gonna trap me, you’d have done it months ago, spared yourself the struggle you’ve been through the past few months,” Sam said. “Cas, I…”

“Sam, it’s okay. You knowing doesn’t make it harder to control. I was probably going to tell you…” Castiel trailed off. He corrected himself to, “More likely, ask Dean to tell you, because of the possibility of losing control at your reaction… soon. It’s time you knew.”

“Part of me wants to tell you to do it now, but you deserve better than that,” Sam said. “I know I’m asking a lot to ask you to wait until I’ve had time to get my head fully around this and make sure it’s really what I want, but somehow, I get the sense you’d actually prefer it that way anyway.”

Castiel nodded. “I’ll wait as long as you ask. I do ask that you continue to be cautious, though. All it takes is one slip where you were a few inches closer to me.”

Sam smiled, dimples on full display as he ducked his head. “I promise. And I know you’ll keep fighting as long as you can. That’s a good part of the reason I’m talking in terms of when, not if. I’m guessing it’s probably a bad idea to kiss you?”

“Unfortunately,” Cas said, his shoulders twitching in response to some invisible struggle. “I’m so sorry, Sam. You deserve better.”

“Hey, better than you? Not possible,” Sam said. “Sure, it’s a little weird for me, but this is torture for you. I’m pretty sure I’ve got the better end of the deal here.”

Castiel shook his head. “Perhaps. Still, you should have had a proper…”

“Hey. Cas. I don’t care what I deserve. I can see what I’m getting. I’m getting someone who I can count on to treat me right, and whose love even I won’t be able to talk myself into doubting. And you know, at this point, that’s way more important to me than the things I can’t have with you yet.” Cas disappeared suddenly, and Sam looked over to where Dean was very studiously Not Listening to the conversation. “Something I said?”

Dean didn’t have a chance to answer before Castiel returned. “My apologies, Sam, but I had to do something with my wings. Going for a brief flight seemed a better idea than the alternative. I couldn’t…”

“Of course,” Sam said quickly. “I understand. Don’t worry about it.”

 

Over the next month, Sam came to the conclusion that Castiel was a freaking saint. There were several times where Cas would take off unexpectedly in the middle of a conversation, only to reappear a few seconds later. But then, a demon very nearly killed Sam.

“Cas! Cas, we need your help!” Dean prayed.

Cas popped in, but very quickly backed away from Sam. “Dean, I can’t. If I touch him, I’ll…”

“Do it,” Sam said, forcing himself up to his elbows to look at Castiel. “Cas, please, come bond me.”

“Sam, no,” Cas said, backing away even farther. “Don’t do this just for some healing. I can call another angel…”

“Dammit, Cas, I don’t care whether you heal me or not,” Sam said. “I’m not concussed, I know what I’m asking for, and it’s what I want. I was going to ask you next time I saw you anyway, a brush with death has a way of making you realize your priorities and what you really want out of life. I knew from the time you told me about this that it was when, not if, I got to wanting to bond. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and I’m there. I’m in. This is what I want. And forgive the cockiness, but I’m pretty sure you want it too. So let’s do it.”

Cas didn’t move, looking to Dean instead. “You know Sam better than I do…”

Dean nodded. “Sam’s not concussed, that much I could tell. He knows what he’s doing. You want my blessing, you’ve got it.”

“Sam, be very sure,” Castiel said. “I can’t undo this.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “If you could undo it, I’d have told you to do it a month ago when I learned about it. Bring it on before I pass out here.”

Cas moved close to Sam, dropping to his knees beside the wounded hunter. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” Sam said. “I love you, Cas.”

Cas manifested his wings, and the Winchesters could finally see just how much effort went into controlling them as he slowly, cautiously, maneuvered them forward to wrap around Sam. He pulled Sam up off the ground, and Sam reached up and wrapped his arms around the angel. Finally, Castiel was able to relax, to release the iron grip on his wings and just let them hold Sam tight.


End file.
